paralyzed

I spend like 90% of my life in a state of paralysis. I look around and see all these wonderful things creative people are making and I think "That's just gorgeous" and this melancholy comes over me. This sense of longing and loving all packing into a second. See, I could be one of those creative people. I am a creative person when I allow myself to be. The problem is I can't feel without consequences. My greatest defense against being swallowed in fear and sadness is often to not open my mind to anything. I find myself stopping any sort of mental conversation which will lead me to thinking about pretty much anything emotional. Most people can't or won't understand this. They want to know why I don't sell the things I make. Why I don't go back to school. Why I don't get a better job or look at the life I am living and make choices. "I can't" never seems to be a good enough answer for them.